National Masturbation Month

I was confused when I first heard that May was National Masturbation Month. I was full of questions, such as, "how does one create a national masturbation month?" It couldn't be done by an act of congress. By definition. "What's the point? Don't most people already celebrate year-round?" "Does Hallmark sell cards wishing people `Season's Beatings'?" "Do the festivities require special attire or can you, uh, come as you are?" The answers required a modicum of research.

As it turns out, this "holiday" was started in 1995 by a gaggle of gals from San Francisco - the owners of Good Vibes, a sex toy store. According to their propaganda, they created the holiday to promote masturbation because "it's safe, it's healthy, it's free, it's pleasurable and it helps people to get to know their bodies and their sexual responses." Well, yeah, true dat (as the kids used to say back when I had any clue what the kids said), but I suspect they were mostly trying to make a buck. Which is ok; it's the American way. I can't fault these mercantile mamas for making the most of their Mammon-ry glands. After all, the best way to make money in the Gold Rush wasn't to be the one looking for gold; it was to be the one selling lube and vibrators to the lonely prospectors hoping to strike veins of ore(gasms).

To deflect attention from their obscene profits (1), or as a sop to the socially-conscious, hometown hedonists, the Good Vibes gals added a veneer of altruism to onanism by putting the fun back into fundraising and sponsoring masturbate-a-thons. A masturbate-a-thon is like a walk-a-thon, but you can do it at home (although not required) and you won't get sore feet (unless you're really flexible). If you click on the link, you can download pledge forms that will help you choke it for charity.

Honestly, I'm not sure what to make of it all, but I plan to spend the rest of the month exploring my feelings.

Before you begin amusing yourself, let me take a whack at it. Wait, that's not what I meant. What I meant to say was, for your Masturbation Month entertainment, here are some relevant limericks from my book, "Anal Sex Haiku, Lascivious Limericks & Other Drivel":

Timid Freddy took pics with his celly
Of a busty young hussy named Kelly.
    He wished he could bone
    The hot chick on his phone
Then wiped his pipe dreams off his belly.

A pud puller paused between passes
And pondered how, "Nothing surpasses
    My manual grind.
    It would suck going blind,
But I'll stop when I only need glasses."

In his sex ed class, Jed read the slate
Of diseases that kids get on dates.
    Said Jed, "What a mess.
    I want to have sex
But jacking off's free and it's safe."

Here's a new limerick that will probably be included in a future book (if I do one):

My sweet, philathropical son
Dispenses free hand jobs for fun
    To laboring misters
    And habited sisters.
He jacks off all trades... and masturbates nuns.

And for those of you who are unaware that I started life as a rapper, check out my paean to pud pulling, pussy probing and pea polishing, "Five on One".

Now that you've been given a heads up about this wonderful occasion, I'll leave the task of figuring out how to get your heads back down in your capable hands. As for me, I'm looking forward to celebrating the cinco de Mayo: thumb, index, middle, ring, and pinky. It'll be great, like a month of Palm Sundays.

Seeya later masturbator,
D.I. Prime
May 1, 2008

(1) "Obscene profits" is a misnomer. If they were really obscene, people would masturbate to them; but that never happens. On the other hand, given US deficits, we may have to resort to enacting sin-come taxes on "big masturbation".